Pssst...How to beome Australian

Despite the fact that the PM, Kevin Rudd has previously professed to believe in a big Australia, his Government is now clamping down on migration. (Incidentally, his predecessor, John Howard faced howls of protest for much, much less.)

Suddenly it will be more difficult for the enterprising hairdressers and cooks who are working their way in Australia to make their homes here.

But there is still a way that you can migrate to Australia just by following a few simple steps.

 a)  Are you Chinese? Start up a blog where you publish defamatory statements about Hu Jintao – heck, why not photoshop some racy images? If you’re Indian, maybe you could do a similar job on that tool who threatened violence against Australian cricketers. In fact, this would get you some major sympathy from a great many Australians.  Go to a public library and send death threats to publish on your website.

b)  Using the money you might otherwise have spent on your education, get yourself on a cruise to Christmas Island. The cost of one of these trips would be about the same (maybe less) than the cost of a fare on the floating death-traps the Tamils are taking, but you should find the cruise directors will not try to blow up your ship, and there will be many more Mai Tais on offer. Take lots - I mean lots - of books.  

 c) When you arrive, get yourself up to the Christmas Island Detention Centre and phone one of those sucky refugee advocates. It won't be hard, they publish their mobile numbers on the internet. Remember, these idiots will believe absolutely anything you tell them, so gain their sympathy with some kind of sob story (don't forget disparaging comments about John Howard), and they will tell you how to work the system. 

d)   Make things easier for the officials to get you a security clearance – bring all your documentation, referees, and the address of your clearly identifiable website (www.hudoesitwithdonkeys.com or whatever it is.)  

 e) It will be crowded, but thanks to the Howard Government, conditions are said to be not too bad. Behave yourself, and within three months (probably less, as they run quickly out of room) you’ll be flown to Melbourne. 

 f) On arrival at Melbourne airport, catch the next available plane to Sydney. Open a restaurant near me.  

 g) Welcome to Australia, cobber!

Seriously, Rudd's immigration system is so stupid, I think this might actually work. I'm not joking. If enough migrants decided to take this route, the government might eventually change their profoundly stupid policies.  This approach might bring a merciful end to Kevin's Drowning Generation, and create a whole bunch of great new websites along the way.